Grief Work Leads To New Hello's

"Every meeting led to a parting, and so it would, as long as life was mortal. In every meeting there was some of the sorrow of parting, but in everything parting there was some of the joy of meeting as well."

- Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

Learning to say good bye can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Many people skip it entirely. They just check out and go through the motions or simply disappear without another word. I think this is because when you say good bye, you are forced to process so many feelings at once. Even small good byes take you through a mini grieving process.

It makes sense that so many people want to skip over the good bye. Maybe if I skip the good bye, it won't be real. Of course, none of this ever works. Avoiding and numbing our feelings is like putting all your trash in the basement. If it's cold out when you start, maybe you luck out for a few months, but eventually you will have bigger problems on your hands…bugs, the stink, rotten foods decomposing at various rates, varmints. It's much better to take care of it one bag at a time.

Still, there is a certain discipline and strength required to saying goodbye that some of us don't have. The more significant the relationship to you, the more "trash"-or grief-you will have to manage.

Sometimes, our grief catches us by surprise. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a grieving process when we "shouldn't". Maybe we think we should be over it by now. Maybe we didn't realize the relationship we are losing was so significant.

Grief is a process that takes time. If we go back to our trash analogy, if you try to rush taking out really nasty trash, the bag can split and make a bigger mess. Or you might pull out your back. All of a sudden what was "supposed to" be a 5-minute chore is something much, much more.

Denying or minimizing grief can cause long-term, even permanent damage, too. You might become depressed, struggle with anxiety, start having problems at school or work, or your body might start to break down.

So, to those of you who are struggling to say good bye, know that you are not alone. Know that your courage will pay off in the end. Dig deep to find that inner strength that is at your very core. In the end, you will find that learning to say good bye will make you stronger even as the process makes you feel weak and vulnerable.